You don’t really know what Cupid has in store for you? At this time of the year, blessed by all velvet handcuffs salesmen, SpideoClub plays the cheap astrologer to diagnose your love life. Efficiency and accuracy are 100% guaranteed thanks to the scientific method called “Eh, what about writing a Valentine’s Day article?”.
Your role model couple in a series is …
♥ Claire and Jamie in Outlander, who succeed to make you believe that passion and romanticism aren’t dead
♫ Veronica and Kev in Shameless, hoping that their libidos won’t fade with time
♦ Marshall and Lily in How I Met Your Mother, a compatible and sustainable team
♠ JD and Turk in Scrubs. Who needs a lover with a friend like this ?
♣ Don and Betty in Mad Men, ever glamorous, even in adversity
On a TV date night, you opt for …
♠ Pizza and beer in front of The Walking Dead
♦ A weekly catch-up of your mutual schedule – as we speak, Brooklyn Nine-Nine every Tuesday with Chinese take-out
♫ A few episodes of True Blood and Transparent (you have a supercut of their best love scenes in a folder somewhere)
♣ What’s on TV tonight? CSI: Miami? That will do (with a few sleeping pills)
♥ You bring your A-Game – a bottle of Krug, smoked salmon and your complete chromed-steel limited edition of Battlestar Galactica
Your sex life at the moment…
♫ Is like Twin Peaks, you’ve been waiting for SO LONG for its comeback
♦ It’s as hectic and exciting as an episode of 24 – but without the terrorists
♣ It reminds you of the 27th season of The Bold and the Beautiful; key word? Repetitive
♠ Just like Sherlock, it’s intense and great, but rare
♥ Sometimes exhilarating, sometimes disappointing, it has its ups and downs (a bit like Game of Thrones)
For Valentine’s Day (or their birthday), you would like to offer your significant other…
♠ A DVD set of that series you’ve been wanting to watch for a while
♫ The collectible whip of the Relic Hunter
♦ A wonderful artwork from the first TV show you watched together
♥ The same ring of Claddagh that Angel gives to Buffy
♣ The complete series of Sabrina the Teenage Witch in VHS (for the retro feel and also to get rid of it)
The 2016 new release that attracts you the most is:
♫ The Girlfriend Experience
♠ The Young Pope
♦ Rush Hour
You have more of:
You are looking for love. It is even more difficult now that the intensive binge-watching of American TV shows has drowned you in wishful thinking and relationship clichés, like never-ending desire and marriage. Moreover, it’s difficult to find a suitable match when people from the real world are no match to your fictional soulmates. Come on, cheer up! If Carrie Bradshaw can do it, you can too! And without having to rehearse every love declaration from The Vampire Diaries in front of the mirror.
You’re in a happy couple. Like a TV series where every season is better than the last, your relationship gets better with time. You seduced each other with lines from Parks and Recreation, you went to third base to the soundtrack of The O.C., you’re about to move in together to unite your collectibles collection of Firefly… Fear not: your couple, unlike this fan favorite space opera, won’t be canceled prematurely.
You’re in an unhappy couple. Your significant other is a fan of The CW, while you’re more of a HBO kind of person. They never even got to the end credits of the first episode of your favorite TV show and you have to tolerate their x264 version even when you dream in HDTV. Honestly, sometimes, you’ve had enough, and we understand you. If you’re magnanimous, you’ll wait until the end of the Winter hiatus to break-up – but otherwise, don’t hesitate, you’re better off ending things at the pilot.
You’re single and you like it that way. Who has the time to be in a relationship anyway, with all these new amazing TV shows released every year? When someone asks you out, you just have to show them your viewing schedule to justify your emotional unavailability: like Jack Bauer, you just don’t have the time. Nor do you have the patience to wait for your partner to be up to date or caught up on you so you can keep watching. Your marathon, your Netflix account, your rhythm.
You’re really, really horny. You’re ready to pretend to like Rizzoli and Isles to get laid, but nevertheless the whole humankind seems to remain immune to your charms. You would even be ready to deny your love of TV if you had to, and you’re within an inch of learning how to practice magic like Barney. After all it’s his least offensive trick, and the most effective one (with reason). You were already attracted to some characters from Girls, but you catch yourself dreaming about them (in a disrobed situation) and even start to envy their less than satisfying sex lives. Maybe you could try out pick-up lines from your favorites TV shows?
Well, what are your results?
Translated by Leon